Thursday, September 30, 2010

Warning: This post is serious and kinda depressing. Feel free not to read

When I first became a mom, I vowed I would keep myself, not turn into the mindless automatrons that dot middle class with their PTA, and their stay-at-home goodiness that includes shitloads of home-baking, gardening, paper-maiche -ing, among other Martha Stewart-type things. I've never been able to actually make myself talk to half of these mothers. We have nothing in common, other than our ability to procreate. I believe in discipline and schedule, and I do not believe that my children know yet what they want out of life, let alone what they want for breakfast, and are therefore not quite capable yet of running their own lives. This is what Moms and dads are there for. To run things. Not the other way around. I see all these parents who ask for their childs permission to do things, and I can't help getting the mental image of a parent in a child's backpack leash, being dragged around by the child. and shudder.

When I had my second child, my husband actually asked me whether I would be okay to stay home for the entire maternity leave, or if I would want to switch  off with him at some point, since he knows(so well) that certain parts of domesticity are NOT my style. Also, he'd had a very nice job offer, but it took him out of town occasionally, ande it was one of those jobs that had the potential of moving at some point. I had let him know at the time that I was sure I'd be okay. I'd done this once before, remember? under so much more stressful circumstances too. and I'd be okay shouldering both mom and dad responsibilities every once in a while, again, I had done it before.

So when my husband came home from work yesterday, and told me he was being shipped out to lloydminster for a week, Next week in fact, (after only one week of training for out of town routes, not the 6 that's required)

I have to admit I was shocked. I was shocked that I could go through a whole array of emotions in the mere 11 seconds it took for him to tell me they were shipping him out for a week. Jealousy at the privacy of the job, worried that my daddy discipline abilities fall way too short of the stack,(oh you KNOW my eldest's going to attempt to take full advantage of the situation at some point, he's not a stupid child, and lets face it, Moms command your full respect, but the beautiful line, ' just wait til your father gets home!' is fantastic to whip out when all other tactics have failed.) I was mad that he was taking those failsafes away for the week, mad that I would have to do this all over again, by myself, worried about his being on the road, worried about his safety, and mad that he was leaving me alone for so long.

In my stay at home world, when the baby is new, there's not much going out and uber-socializing. My only regular adult contact was him, from the time he came home to the time he went to bed. It was a reprieve from my children, a time to have an uninterrupted shower, a time to just relax. Now he's taking that away, for a whole 6 days. I get that I'm probably sounding whiny, that there are plenty of moms out there who do this for longer periods of time, who are single moms, but when you are a single mom, you gather people around yourself like a child with pretty stones, and you make sure each one of them are payed attention to, so they return the favour.

Don't get me wrong, I loved every second of being a single mom, in fact I rebelled against having another authority figure to work with when it came to my child. But when my child was asleep, I loved having someone around. Someone that I could be selfish with, someone that would be mine alone. I loved that I got a second chance at having a partner, my personal back-up.

And perhaps I would have been a little more happy for him if this had  been a little later coming on. Would've had mor time to prepare myself for what's coming... or maybe not.

But now I'n stuck coaching a junior flag football team in their final tournament(I know nothing about football, flag or otherwise), dealing with an early teething baby, and a son who's on the fence about joining choir, but won't actually tell us about it. not sure why, but hubby has a way with getting the real reasons out with our eldest, but will wait until sonny is bursting from not teeling anyone, and that bursting is probably going to come  exactly when he not there. sigh.

And husband knows this too, and is sad he will miss it. He is sad he might miss anything that youngest does because he is out of town, he's worried about us, and all in all he doesn't want to feel left out of the family that we worked so hard, and long, to make.

I can reassure him, take lots of pictures and video for him, get internet phone and a laptop for him, lock our  doors each night for him, get a cell phone for him, all these things I can do.

But is this job worth our uncertainties? Is it worth all this fuss just so we can live a bit more comfortably than we were before?

1 comment:

  1. It's hard.

    We're having similar problems-late nights are becoming later nights-we can go 2 or 3 days without being awake simultaneously.

    I don't have any answers for you-only that I sympathize and wish you the best.