Hotdog Fingers?

Youngest is teething. yay. This wouldn't be a horrible thing, usually, but he seems to be teething both his bottom and one of his tops all at the same time. He doesn't sleep for more than an hour, he rubs his face on everything, (which either pokes him in the eye or he headbutts.) he bites EVERYTHING (My shoulders are going to have permanent bruising, and my shirts have shoulder holes) he's clingy, whiny, fever-ey, rash-ey, and all around bitchy. This has run for about a week and will continue to run until his body gives up on fighting these nefarious enameled stabby things, and when the bitches finally pop through.
We tried oragel, but he sorta started choking on his own spit, so we ditched that idea and used the rest of the tube on ourselves. that was kinda fun...
We tried icecubes in cheesecloth, but they melted to fast, and dribbled all over the carpet.
We tried just a cold washcloth, but he wouldn't touch it unless our fingers were inside it. Hubby had the ingenious thought that we could replace our fingers with a hotdog. I made him clean up the mess.
We tried teething toys, but he chewed on one so hard, or twisted it or something, that it cracked and I think the stale distilled water inside kinda put him off any other toy going in his mouth. Which is both a good and bad thing.

So now we just use our fingers, and will bank this in the 'things to embarress youngest with when he's older, and possibly blackmail to get money out of get him to contribute to our retirement fund.'
Also, luckily for us, he's now pulling himself up on everything, so everything goes in his mouth, and although I've been trained once before, hubby has yet to find out that baby-proofing  means 'put every fucking thing you own up higher than 4.21 feet, or else it's fucking garbage or a trip to the E.R.', though I'm sure he'll find out soon enough.

Anyways,
just a small update since I really seem to have shit the bed since the beginning of this year.
yeah

Resolute to resolve yourself. wait. what?

Okay, So 2011 got off to a...... slow... start. Much like 2010 ended. Nothing has changed, and no resolutions come to mind, as whenever I make resolutions, I pretty much fuck them up the first day, which turns into  big downward spiral of self-pity and more doing of the thing I was resoluting not to do. So. I'm not making any resolutions this year, in the hopes that my gym visits will stay frequent, my smoking habit continue to decrease, my healthy eating stays where it is, and my children grow, as they will, with or without my help.

Also, I think I finally convinced my husband that my job makes more money and is more useful than his, so when I get off mat. leave I;m going back to it.
List:

My job: Quasi-Governmental
His Job: Chips.
My Job: Benefits and Pension Plan
His Job: Benefits as long as he doesn't take a distributorship, and if he does, then nothing.
My Job: Starting wage of Awesome, with due increase every whenever, due to union, steady.
His Job: starting wage of blah, with surprising increase of pretty okay with sprinkles of commission every once in a while.
My Job: Bids to get better positions, seniority (even while I'm on mat leave!)
His Job: Sort-of Seniority, depending on whether there's anyone available for the job, or whether the company just decides to hire it out to someone else.
My Job: Gets me out of the house on a daily basis with weekends off, guaranteed
His Job: Gets him out of the city, sometimes for weeks on end, and not always guaranteed weekends off, keeps me locked in our house..

Overall, My job seems to have a bit more appeal. just a bit. So, maybe in april.....sorta exciting!

Shhh, it's quiet time

My quiet time is when my eldest and Hubby are at school and work, respectively, my youngest is asleep, and I'm downstairs sitting on the dryer having a smoke and coffee. There's a little crack in the wall of the basement where the dryer vent goes, and in the winter, and when the dryer is on, it is simultaneously the coldest and hottest place in the house. It's perfect.

So here's my question. Where and when is your quiet time?
few, if any will probably answer this, but whatever. Get it out there if you want.

I thought parvo was for Dogs...

I am perturbed. I have recently come more into the knowledge about children's sicknesses.There are 6 common diseases for a child to catch, that a child will most likely catch before age 10. Apparently they're called diseases now, and not just colds or infections. These 6 diseases are all viral, and most have a fatality rate lower than the common cold. The others we get shots against. All these diseases have a fever, followed by feeling crappy for a while, followed by a breaking of the fever and then 2-3 weeks of a rash that's non-contagious. You basically tell eaach on paart by what the rash looks like.  When I was younger and my Eldest was little, he probably got all of these, but I was much better at dealing with them, since I didn't have the internet and my neurotic Husband to make me all paranoid about the little things.

This year, My youngest Has gotten Sixth's disease, where the fever is high, the baby is a cranky bitch, and then the fever suddenly disappears, and it looks like baby has been rolling in the red ant hill, at least from head to belly.  My oldest is probably going to be infected with Fifths disease, since a letter got sent home from school saying there was an outbreak of it, and eldest always brings home treats for the family. Fifth's disease has a low-grade fever with a general malaise, or feeling icky, followed by a cheek-slap rash, which then moves down to the body. Great. so my child gets quiet and icky feeling, then gets a rash that looks like we beat him? Not to mention fifth's disease is a form of parvo. wait. parvo? Bloody Parvo!!!!!! Parvo isn't even in the spell-check dictionary for fucks sakes.

I can't wait for them to get the other diseases, and be the FIRST FAMILY TO COLLECT ALL 6!!!!!

yaayy....

By the way, here's where I'm getting all my awesome fact knowledge from. Medicine net. I chose it coz it sounded like where my grandparents live, and I always put all factors into account yo.

Tips for the half- awake mom:

1. When making Mac and cheese, Check the label on your soy milk to make sure it's not vanilla flavoured. There is not enough hot sauce in the world to tone that shit down.

2. Turn on the light when making Coffee. Yes, I know you know where everything is, and you're a master at the squinty pour, but when your hubby decides to be helpful by pre-making the pot the night before, it won't go well.

3. Take the Damn Dog to a groomer. He is a 90 pound lab.  He is sooo Not as easy to trim nails on as the cat is.

4.  Turn on the light when putting on your clothes.  come on. Even just a lamp. *sigh* you better be relieved you don't own any thongs. (due to the big butt collapse of 2009, in case any of you actually needed to know that )

5. Dammit, just because you go to the gym now does NOT mean you can reward yourself with cheeseburgers! No! Bad Mommy, that's NO! *face squirt from water bottle* that's a Baad Mommy.

6. Remember the laundry detergent when you do laundry.

7. Remember you did laundry.

8. Please, please, remember to let the dog out at night. He thinks he's a cat if you don't and it just scares Eldest when he has to clean the cat litter tray and he thinks daddy's been sleep-pooping again. (High-fives for the sleep-pooping thing though, wonder if hubby will ever catch on...)

9. Remember to let hubby help around the house, even if you have to reorganize what he did after he leaves the room. He offered to help, it's his funeral.

10. If you stopped drinking what's left in the coffee pot at night, maybe you'd get some actual sleep, and then maybe you wouldn't have to write these stupid tip sheets for yourself, dumb-ass.

New Nephew!

My hubby's sister had their baby on Thursday Night, a nice little baby boy, Easton. My hubby thinks it's funny that they're naming their kid after sports equipment, but I don't think it ever crossed their minds. She had to have a c-section because the baby's heart was slowing down, so she's going to be in there for a few days. Her mom said she booked a special private room in the hospital, but since she had the C, she can't have it because it doesn't have an adjustable bed. I'm not so sure what a special private room would include, mebbe a view that's not of the parking lot or cafeteria.....

Anyways, going to see them all today, although apparently you can't bring kids on the ward unless they belong to the one in the ward, which, whatever...

BABIESSSS!!!!!!!!

On the elderly, fear, and Ice skating

As winter begins to present itself in full force, I\m again reminded of more reasons to be mortally afraid of driving with children.
When the First Snow hits, the drivers in the city remind me of little kids playing hockey, falling down a lot, crashing into each other, and usually forgetting altogether about the puck.
When the first melt comes, everyone becomes stock car racers,  trying to urge all puddles off the road by driving as fast and reckless as they possibly can.
Then the final freeze. When all the slush that's left on the road freezes over, and is made 'luxuriously' smooth by those fast tires.
Now, being where I am, it's pretty common for everyone to know how to ice skate, from a very young age, no less. But somehow all that training goes out the window when tires re applied instead of skates. Our insurance here is gov.t regulated, I think mainly because no other competing company wants to have to cash in on so many claims all at once.
Also, maybe it's the snow, maybe the cold, but a lot of people lose their sight really easily in the winter, eyes glazed past the 'baby on board' and 'student driver' stickers, which are pretty much no good here.
Then there are the types of bad drivers to negotiate with:
We've  got teens with novices licences wanting to joy ride and scare the crap out of everyone they drive beside; or Albertans, who are used to speed limits twice that of ours; or little old ladies who just want to get to bingo in their old school tanks that take up two lanes; or the farmers who only follow dirt road speeds and don't pay any attention to any driving sign,road mark, or light. I could go on, but those four types feature prominently, and for that alone the bus doesn't sound so bad.
But then I'm left with a conundrum on the buses too, since toting around a baby in the heavy-duty stroller that's needed for winter is pretty much banned from the bus, and the price of a bus pass costs more than insuring my car and filling the tank every month, ( though I have a pretty old and crappy car, so that cheapens things up a bit too)  and the buses are usually so cram packed with students and elderly, that there's no room for even me, let alone a baby.  So I'm left to drive on side roads to most of my destinations, waiting until peak traffic has passed, which only leaves about 4 hours in the days to drive, and I'm pretty much screwed in the bad driver department, since you'll never escape the little old lady with the penchant for bingo.  *sigh*

Everything sounds better in the Bathroom. Except frying meat. That's just disturbing.

 Here. Have one of the Best Canadian Bands Lead guitarist. In a Bathroom.

Eldest's Conditional Training

The family rule has been that no X-mas decorations go up until after mommy's b-day, that way it actually feels like X-mas. This year, since Hubby was out of town, and I was running out of ideas to keep both kiddos simultaneously entertained, and since eldest was all 'X-mas decorations!', and 'We should really get some decorations that we can decorate this year',. and 'When do we get to start making the X-mas Treats?' Usually I like this part too, because I get to go to the dollar store sand grab a whole bunch of crap to put up, and I love baking and giving people sugar overdoses, (especially myself) and mostly because then I get to wander around all the stores that bring tons of X-mas crap in and I can giggle like an idiot at the huge X-mas balls,

 or Santa on a rope,

 or the Rudolph that wiggles his tush at you when you walk by. 

 So this year, the house has already been half festooned with x-mas crap, in an effort to keep kiddo busy.

hehe, hairy x-mas balls...

Also, on a completely different, yet somewhat related topic, Nobody gets that when I start singing "sisters", that it's actually an X-mas song, since it comes from White Christmas, the movie with Bing Crosby and Rosemary Clooney (before she got the crazies) *sigh* even I know more stupid x-mas trivia than most.

Day One, the explanation.

I've decided to do the Nablopomo challenge again this month, as December's theme is Zeitgeist, or time spirit, meaning writing about the times we live in, and our place in todays culture. Eazy peazy right? we'll see.

Seems I could keep this up for the whole, month, as X-mas is coming up, and I always have loads to say about X-mas.
so here we go!

Disconnected thought stuffs, and longing for a sundae

I would put these into some kind of story for you, but they're all mostly too random to connect, so here ya go.

Pineapple.

-On this next Saturday, I will be 25. One Quarter of a Century. That is all.

My hubby and eldest went shopping on the past weekend for birthday gifts. After an hour of being gone, they called to ask me what I wanted, them both being too self-absorbed to notice my not-so-subtle hints,( 'gee I'd really like an mp3 player for when I go to the gym', 'We should get a proper speatzle maker, maybe for X-mas?') So I repeated the hints, a mite disappointed to have the surprise ruined, the only thing I actually like about birthdays. When they got home, they both pestered me about opening my gifts straight-away, both lacking the patience. I have so far successfully declined, although when I went in my son's room today to get his laundry hamper, his gift was right out in the open. I will pretend to not have noticed, although my disappointment has ceased, since it was none of the things I had told them on the phone.

-My youngest has had a running fever for the past two days, nothing but the fever. Right before the tylenol kicks in  he is somewhat delirious, and the effect makes him very giggly and cuddly at the same time. He laughed at the cat coming into the room for ten minutes. He grasped faces and gave big sloppy kisses on my cheek(something he has just learned) then he puked down my shirt and laughed for another ten minutes. Helped along by daddy, of course. 

-My hubby's schedule has been changed, due to the fact that he is soo badass at his job, they're keeping him in town until after New year's so he can help train others of the relief persuasion. This means that the food bills go up, but my general stress level goes down. 

-Leslie Nielson died this weekend from Pneumonia, or complications thereof. I know a lot of people who will miss him, as he either directly influenced, or was copied by, a lot of the comedic actors I know. He was 84, so I hope he did at least most of what he wanted to do in life. 

-I watch more than my fair share of t.v., since even at the gym they have it blaring in my face, and lately I've gotten obssessed with "Man VS. Food" Which is basically a show about some guy who loves to eat so much he looks constantly on the brink of heart attack, but he visits some of the coolest restaurants in the states, so I can see why. 

The challenge he's doing is called the kitchen sink, which is 2 gallons of ice cream and toppings in a sink. yup. I couldn't find the video I wanted with the perfect sundae, but this one's just as, well, interesting. He does a lotr of challenges, and most of them make me never want to be hungry again, but I always come away craving chicken wings, or a fat and sexy sandwich, or pancakes.

Gym'n it!

So On Monday, I went to the gym. I know, A little late to be talking about it, but whatever. I went to the women's section, cuz on Mondays the regular section is Filled with big Muscular Boys, and girls with tiny waists, and the ability to run marathons, and frankly it's like being an In-valid on Gattaca, and so I go to the women's section with all the other old biddies, which is actually more depressing, because then I follow around 70 year old grandmas who could ALL kick my ass.
Anyways, I went on my aunt's favorite machine, the Road that goes Nowhere, or the Deathmill to Hell. I went on for a staggering 30 minutes, on a rising incline throughout, slowly turning a lovely shade of Pomegranate. Twice the employee who watches over the women's section to make sure none of us old biddies keel over, came by to ask how I was doing. If I was anywhere near capable of speech at the time, I would have told her that turning funny colours is sort of a family past-time when it comes to exercising, My aunt turning a pretty Poinsettia, my day almost a rusty beet. But I was trying to concentrate on panting evenly, so I just nodded and smiled while looking ahead, half-afraid that if I turned to look at her, my body would follow my head, as I was no longer able to move my body parts separately, and that could be Catastrophic to me. I'm clumsy enough as it is.

My deathmill faced a window at least, so I could imagine I was running on real ground, impervious to the biting cold, rain, and uber-slippery sidewalk. Of course, since I was staring at the crappy day instead of the mirrors on my backside, I didn't notice the little booger that was peeking out at every exhale like a ghostly jack-in-the-box waayyy too late for halloween. Thank goodness when the trainer came around the third time to see how my self-inflicted Cardiac Arrest was coming along, she got distracted by my peek-a-boo booger, and instead of telling my to get off before I fall off, she made nervous eyes at my nose, and made wiping motions. My intuitive self thought she looked about to sneeze, so I politely averted my eyes until she passed me a kleenex. I decided that it was about time to do something else, so I wandered around until I noticed the backwards ab machine that looks like this:

See the ones where his bum is in the air? That's what I decided to do. One set of 10. by the fifth time up I had to fart something fierce, and I thought I could get away with it if I let it out slowly the next time up. But while I was upside down formulating my plan of action, I was oblivious to the fact that the trainer had let two contractor guys in to look at a ceiling crack directly above my bum.

Needless to say the workout was over pretty much instantly. Though, all in all, it was one of my better workouts....

A really, really bad apology, that doesn't really apologize in any way...

I know. I haven't written in a while. Lemme explain.

On Wednesday I tried to post a video of my youngest and hubby giggling like little school girls, but apparently it had not been filmed in the right definition, and I'm not techie smart in any way, so I don't know if you can even change that, and it kinda made me really mad, and random thing throw-y, and I ended up smacking myself in the head with a surprisingly resilient eraser, so I gave up.

Hubby came home from his first of four weeks out in Lloydminster on Thursday. Hence House had to be spotless to show him that indeed I was right, he was the main cause of all the mess in the house.

Friday was hubby's birthday, and so we did hubby birthday things, which strangely always includes shopping, which he always says he hates, but seems to take great pleasure in on his birthday.

Saturday I'm sure I had some excuse, but I don't remember it, so just remember I had some excuse, and it was probably awesome, and would have made you forgive everything I ever did, like that time I accidentally dropped your fish down the toilet, but I couldn't get him out with out sticking my hand in the toilet, and that's just gross, so I flushed him so he could be with fishy friends back in the river. No one wants a lonely toilet fish. But I digress.

Sunday was the football game. Well, actually, it was several football games, all day long, with some hockey thrown in just to be funny, but somewhere in the mash of sport viewing was the game that was actually meant to be watched.

And then yesterday, I got a really good post together, and then forgot about it, so now you're probably not going to see it until Thursday, which is okay, because I plan to add to it.

So there. I explained. And I actually don't give two, or even three shits what you think anyways, so this was basically an exercise in futility.

And I just found out that my name means blowjob on Urban dictionary.com. That's not Funny Urban dictionary!!
Can you sue a public forum website?

It's Sunday, Right? Kay...

As a tribute to Sundays, and the laziness that ensues, at least with the other members of my family, Here is a lazy post. Done entirely in Youtube!


I would've like to see this with the Police, since I can never understand what they're saying, but it's just as well. Plus, poo.





Take that Historians! For all you know, you don't know shit!





yes. I see. shun you say?





Did anyone else know that Kermit is Multilingual?






And Finally, Not having to do with Music at all, or poo, Here ya go.

Homebound Mothers, part 2

So went to the gym yesterday. Had a plan in mind, went on the treadmill for 15 minutes of brisk walking, with a bit of jogging thrown in when I felt the walking was too slow. Then I did what's called a circuit route, which is 9 cleverly masked torture machines lined up, which you follow by number, each tearing apart a different set of muscles.

I followed a 70 year old she-hulk on this route, each time shamefacedly lowering the weights by half on whatever device she had finished with. I was amassing sweat in large quantities at each station, not to mention my lovely sickness had me hacking up a storm, so that I had a large clearance from the other women in the gym, so they would not catch my plague.

By the time I was done the circuit, I had caught a second wind, so I decided to finish it up with 15 minutes on the elliptical thingy. there was a nicely toned youngster next to me going what seemed a decent pace, and you know that thing that makes us fall into a pattern, like when there's four of you eating at a table, and somehow you all end up chewing at the same time to some silent beat? yeah, that thing. well, somehow I ended up keeping pace with her.

For about 2 minutes.

Then I almost had an asthma attack.

After my self torture, I went back and had a nice hot shower au gratis in the changing room.While in there, i decided that this is how I will make my self keep going to the gym, I will cut myself off from taking showers or baths at home, and only take them at the gym, so that I have to go, just so I don't get overly stinky. Plus I'll be saving like 3 dollars on my water bill. bonus!

Then I got home, and proud off my self for actually taking advantage of this, I decided to keep up my little healthy trend, and had some yogurt and berries, and a roast beef sandwich on rye. yay me!

Today, I cannot move. seriously. I can't even move my fingers, so I'm dictating this to my 6 yr old.
No, not really, but that's a good idea, and I wish I had thought of it sooner. ouch. Right now, even my baby's crawling faster than me, and he doesn't even crawl yet!

side note: really only pay attention to the first 40 seconds of this video. I'm not educated on my new video edit  program, so after 40 seconds, it just turns into whiny baby, and bad language.

Bored, so here!

So bored. Nothing to do, it's kinda icky outside, snowy, slippery, and cold, like -15 degrees cold, (I know, I'm a chicken-shite) so baby and me are staying inside where I have control of the heat. Toasty. I've also been sick the past week, so I have no intentions of leaving this house anytime soon, which limits the things we can do.

Speaking of poo,
Baby has started eating Real People Food, apples, naners and the like, and if you've had kids before, you know what I'm talking about, but if you are child-free, let me tell you that poo from babies that have just started People food, are nasty. Doesn't happen as often as before, but it's like he's packing enough stench to more than make up for it. It's like changing a little Person. No longer do I get to look forward to the poo that looks like it came from a baby-be-mine dolly, but a real turd worthy of Daddy's gags. Nasty stuff, that.
Anyways...

And Now for something Completely Different:



Angry Raspberries!

Wordless Wednesdays #3, or, the Cog

The Cat that has been raised by the dog, and is now, with his borrowed mannerisms, a Cog. 

Annoying people for the good of the world. again.

Since I've become a stay-at-home mom, I've taken to doing online surveys just to clear the boredom, keep updated, and, of course, to make a little side-cash. And I do mean a little. But lately, I've come across a schwack of surveys dealing with Non- profit organizations and Foundations. Things like the Breast Cancer Foundation, World Wildlife foundation, Heart and Stroke Foundation, etc...
Now, I applaud people who want to raise money for a good cause, even if for no other reason than a tax-break. (You just got sneaked into helping! haha!!!) But, lately, I've wondered just how much of this hard-earned/donated dough actually does any helping. I've looked around on the percentages of what goes to whom, but seem unable to find much info, although lots of opinions have surfaced. I've seen plenty of articles on companies in partnership to these foundations, saying they'll donate a certain percentage of their sales on whatever product they're hawking, and why don't you give them your info to be entered into a contest for  a great VACAY!!!, and this just reminds me of when I used to work for a 'distribution' company that sold very expensive vacuums on door-to-door sales. I managed the Phone and sales room, and I remember the waterfall of offers to be had with our prizes. You book an appointment to have someone pressure you into buying a 'system', just for the appointment you get a Ginsu knife set, but if you bought the said 'system', you got a voucher for a free stay in anywhere up to __ # of places, but when you called to book the vacation, they needed to have you sit down for a time-share demo, and that turned into a draw for a watch, and a phone call for another demo, etc, etc. A downward spiral of 'Oh fuck why did I give my phone # out -EVER?' But I digress. Anyways,  You give your info to some company that you just bought a product from, and they in turn bug the hell out of you whenever they have something new to show you. Kinda like a little kid-'Look what I can do!'. Plus, now they have your info to give whatever charity they were hawking for, so They give you a call and incessantly bug you for donations, telling you to 'do your part', blah, blah, blah. Well, I don't know what part I'm doing, if I don't know where my money's going... blind faith is not something an atheist like myself will give into at any time. I am not a sheep for herding. If I want to help somebody, I will give the money straight to them, or to the hospital, or whatever. But not to some big Head that's going to turn it into some healthy someone who just makes the logos pretty, or the coffee runner's wages. The best idea folks? If you know someone in need of help, help them. simple. Aren't people worth more than your tax break? I dunno. whatever.
This rant is just that, a rant, and since I can't really clarify it anymore, I can't even put paragraph breaks in it, you'll just have to read it as is. That is all.

Wordless wednesday# 2...

Someone call Billy the Exterminator!!

So we were looking for the perfect costume for a 4 month old, since my husband insisted that baby be dressed up, even though I told him of eldest's misadventure. He wanted a baby pumpkin. Nah, I said, that's been done.
He wanted a frog, bug, bat, elephant. Nah, that's been done. Everythings been done, he said. What about finding a costume based on one of his pet names? ok..... little man, stinkbutt, stinkerdoo, stinky mcStinkerson...
(yeah, we're real creative...)
hence I give you:

skunky. the stinker. *sigh*. almost crawling now. kinda scary....eldest's turn tomorrow