pain.vs. Shut you face

Hubby's just gone back to work on Monday after a week off with a bum knee. Before he went on workers comp, he was ready to quit because, well, the week he hurt his knee also happened to be the week his head went 'Fuck Sleeping!' and since he thinks a man isn't supposed to see a doctor unless it's broken or gushing blood (and even then), he just let his injuries fester until his boss noticed that he was limping and looked like shit. (That's my brave strong man...) Of course he works out of a truck, so his boss didn't get to see him like this until friday when he went to drop off paperwork.
Then he spent this last week at home, bored out of his mind and unable to leave the house, since the injury turned out to be a second degree MCL sprain on his right knee, which is the driving knee. So he spent the whole week rearranging my kitchen, critiqing my mommy skills, rearranging those, writing out new schedules for youngest so that he can get the most out of the day, and then bitching that youngest doesn't like him, because, while youngest is teething, he prefers my shoulders to daddy's to bite, so he's not been really all that cuddly to daddy at all.

 Therefore, I was extremely excited for this past Monday to come, as I would have my house to myself, my kitchen could be put back to order, and my son's schedule put to rights as well. But on Sunday night, I heard murmers and whines of what he had said on the days leading up to his week off, about him hating the company, and wanting to quit, though there were no ways out of it, that he really should just take me up on the offer of transfering the remainder of the parental benifits over to him and having Me go back to work(yes, people I offered to go back to work just to shut him up, because I know within three weeks of us having switched places, he will be begging me to switch back.)

So I sent him a love note on Monday, via video text, with this lovely contraption. I have to say my Efforts were not all that greatly received.




Here's the link if you want to try it out yourself. DRAAAMMAAA!!!!!!!

Oh TV... how could you?

I watch a fair amount more TV now than before I met hubby. Not that I sit on the couch to do so, I can't sit still for that long, but I never had a TV subscription before we moved in together.
There. Good to get That out of the way. Also, be careful whilst reading. This could get fucking Epic. or reaally bitchy...

I like Watching the Biggest Loser. I like it because it's the only reality game show where the contestants, while competing for a big money prize, are really there for their health and their families, and that they build a network of friendships while in there, that has surprisingly spiderwebbed out to all the contestants over the years. A-maz-ing. They even have developed a program that donates food to the needy, and lets people lose weight at the same time. It's become a Power brand in itself.

I also really liked the fact that when two seasons ago there was a red shirted contestant who really wanted the competition, and tried to turn her stay into something surviver-y, and she got promptly kicked out for her bad attitude. Even when the network brought her back as a 'wildcard' player, the contestants promptly threw her out again, and it wasn't in a ganged up on kind of way, she just hadn't changed her thought process away from scheming when she was gone, so she lost the challenges that would have kept her in the house.

I also really admire the trainers, Bob and Jillian. They Are the show, they Are what makes it real. They are there everyday to push these people to success, they actually deal with the underlying issues, the causes for their weight gain, they show them how to fix their diet and make it fun, or painful, as they choose, they help them regain confidence and self-esteem, and basically all around kick-assed-ness. Without them, there would just be a bunch of big people trying to work out in a gym.

This year the Network(NBC) has brought on two new trainers. which normally wouldn't really have been a big deal, just like when you're seeing more of the doctor in these new seasons. A new add in. But. They didn't tell anyone about these new trainers. Not even bob and jill. They don't let you know anything about them other than they are  a man and woman, the man with a degree in I think sports med, and a woman who was in the golden gloves league of boxing. They let the contestants pick whether they wanted to stay at the ranch with Bob And Jillian, or go to a 'secret location' with these two new trainers they know nothing about. The extra bait? If they go to the new trainers, they get 4 weeks of immunity, which is not getting kicked off the show. So all the sudden, these contestants who were all wary and unsure of these training nobodies, were like, 4 free weeks of training? yes. I'll try out the newbies.

I dislike this. They haven't shown many clips of the secret location, but what they do show is a lot of yelling, not really a lot of working on people's heads right from the start, and a lot of trash talk to the ranch team. I also learned that they are going to reveal the mystery trainers next Tuesday. I'm not sure I want them to. I foresee a lot of the contestants who worked with them having a big gain-back when the 4 week free-for all  is over, or their success in the long run minimized or reversed because they haven't had the full package that bob and jill give. Plus, I don't know if they've seen the doctor yet, which is usually a big turning start point in a lot of contestants health changes. I think they should keep the mystery trainers a mystery so that if it doesn't bank well, they can forget about it and move on. Not once in this show, even when the teams are Bob vs. Jillian, has there ever been trash talk and beat downs. It's not permitted. It's negative. Last night the host, Ali something(from days of our lives) repeated a word from the mystery team's trash talk, and Bob lost it on her. It was very re-affirming for the original trainers not to cop into this bullshit.

This last week the home team had a challenge that if they lost more weight as a whole percentage than the mystery team, then No one would get booted off for the week.They also had a mid-week challenge against the mystery team for a three pound advantage. Even though they lost the mid week challenge, horribly, they banded together to do their best to Keep them together. And you know what? They won the weight challenge. By 11 pounds. And I was proud.

But I'm keeping my eye on you, NBPeacock station. I dislike this bullshit 'competition'. It was that before, and more. Don't reduce the show's value by this stupidity. I'm all for changing things up every once in a while, but this is not the way to do it.


p.s. Sorry for the rant, but this really bugs me. TV has taken the only reality show of any redeeming value, and is trying to crush that value out with degradation and stupidity. not cool.

I put it EVERYWHERE! wait. what?

Kay, what is up with Children's Cartoon Writers? seriously. They either have the Disney Complex(see: dirty old men trying to put dirty notes or peni into the background of Disney movies for shits and giggles) or have way to much time on their hands, or even worse, they aren't even aware of what they're doing...

Turned on the  T.V. today to come upon Dora the Explorer's Boots singing about blue balls. really.
I tried to find a vid for it, but all I got were parodies, or parents trying to video it as it plays on t.v.(which doesn't work. really) or people with even more ickies and time on their hands. So here is the closest thing to sane I found to purvey what I came across.




yeah...

False alarm

So apparently when I said we had a virus, it was actually a firewall that had been built by our 22 year old computer genius buddy to keep out viruses. This kid's a little bit weird, but he built our computer from scratch, put all sorts of junk in it to make it run Really fast, with all the newest programs on it. Verry nice.


p.s. the A on my new keyboard sticks so much that when I was writing alarm I had to do it 6 times cuz it kept looking like lrm. aalrm. alrm...... yeh....a........

short, cuz my computers sick

My computer has frozen three times in the process of trying to write this post, and on the last time it froze I shut the computer down, and a grey screen came up for just  second, and all I could make out was a pixelated happy face and the words AWW SNAP!!
I think I have  virus or something.

On the elderly, fear, and Ice skating

As winter begins to present itself in full force, I\m again reminded of more reasons to be mortally afraid of driving with children.
When the First Snow hits, the drivers in the city remind me of little kids playing hockey, falling down a lot, crashing into each other, and usually forgetting altogether about the puck.
When the first melt comes, everyone becomes stock car racers,  trying to urge all puddles off the road by driving as fast and reckless as they possibly can.
Then the final freeze. When all the slush that's left on the road freezes over, and is made 'luxuriously' smooth by those fast tires.
Now, being where I am, it's pretty common for everyone to know how to ice skate, from a very young age, no less. But somehow all that training goes out the window when tires re applied instead of skates. Our insurance here is gov.t regulated, I think mainly because no other competing company wants to have to cash in on so many claims all at once.
Also, maybe it's the snow, maybe the cold, but a lot of people lose their sight really easily in the winter, eyes glazed past the 'baby on board' and 'student driver' stickers, which are pretty much no good here.
Then there are the types of bad drivers to negotiate with:
We've  got teens with novices licences wanting to joy ride and scare the crap out of everyone they drive beside; or Albertans, who are used to speed limits twice that of ours; or little old ladies who just want to get to bingo in their old school tanks that take up two lanes; or the farmers who only follow dirt road speeds and don't pay any attention to any driving sign,road mark, or light. I could go on, but those four types feature prominently, and for that alone the bus doesn't sound so bad.
But then I'm left with a conundrum on the buses too, since toting around a baby in the heavy-duty stroller that's needed for winter is pretty much banned from the bus, and the price of a bus pass costs more than insuring my car and filling the tank every month, ( though I have a pretty old and crappy car, so that cheapens things up a bit too)  and the buses are usually so cram packed with students and elderly, that there's no room for even me, let alone a baby.  So I'm left to drive on side roads to most of my destinations, waiting until peak traffic has passed, which only leaves about 4 hours in the days to drive, and I'm pretty much screwed in the bad driver department, since you'll never escape the little old lady with the penchant for bingo.  *sigh*

Of Raccoons, Rubber Chickens, and Inflammation of the Exasperation Bone

~And then, with one final expelling of breath, her head exploded into a fine white dust, and the cat sauntered over and proceeded to lap it up like powdered sugar~

Well, not really. But my Fourth Grade teacher always said that to hook a reader into a story you needed to have an outrageous Title, and an equally gripping first line. So there you go. You're welcome.

*WARNING! This post does not contain any of what was just said above. except for the head bursting maybe.*

So After a week and a half of not staying in bed to sleep off a vicious flu, although in retrospect I should have, as it might not have lasted a week and a half if I did, I decided today I was well enough to try the gym again. Well, for more than one reason. Remember how I said I got three months free? well, at the time I had also decided to sign up for a couple of years thinking that if I eventually had to pay for it, that would keep up my motivation for going, as I'm quite a stingy person, and like to get as much out of what I pay for as I can. Well, upon checking my bank the other day, I noticed that the account I use for expenses was 40 dollars overdrawn. Well, it was originally 85 bucks overdrawn, but since there was no money to go through, the payment was retracted and the NSF fees put in. So I called up the gym in a panic, why the hell were they charging me this? And since the girl who had signed me up was unavailable, the half wit at the desk tried politely explaining to me what the payment was for, as if I didn't know. A registration fee, a monthly fee, and a babysitting fee. Even after I tried telling her that since I had the first three months free my sign-ee had waived the registration fees, and, oh yeah, I HaVE THE FIRST THREE MONTHS FREEEEEEE.   She didn't grasp it. So I called back later in the day, when dim-wit stated she'd be in, and when I finally got her on the phone she noted everything down, and said the next time I came in I should come to the front desk and they'll give me a refund on the NSF fees. So I came in today with multiple purposes. Not to mention I get the best showers there, because I don't have a distressed hubby and baby just outside the door asking when I'll be done. Another motivating factor. When I first came in, however, the desk was pretty busy, so I decided to wait until after my 'workout' and relaxing shower. So I came back after I was done, and when I told the front desk about it, lady lack-wit tending me said, 'but there's no payment come through on your file, you have three months free..." *Head smack* When she finally grasped what I was telling her, she said she had to get someone else who knew what she was doing, and That girl had to call head office to bring up the file so she could properly get the paper work straight. I'm not sure what my sign-ee did to prepare the front desk for me, but apparently it wasn't much, if anything at all. So while girl #2 was on the phone, I went to get baby from the gym sitter's as they were closing for lunch. My youngest has developed a healthy hatred for his car seat unless he's in a moving vehicle, so I had a cranky kid on my hands while girl two was on the phone. When she got off the phone, she told me that I needed to bring in a bank statement to verify what had happened in the account, since head office didn't have a record of giving me an NSF fee, that it might not have shown up on their records yet, but I could call the bank right now and have them fax a statement to them. By this time youngest was putting up a big stink and since the front desk is in the open area with the gym, plenty of people were looking to see who was choking the baby, and I was steadily getting redder in the face at the whole situation, and at seeing the sorry look on the poor girl who basically told me my wait was for nothing, I cracked a little and stomped out the door, barreling into a construction worker who tried to hold a door open for me when I would have none of their courtesy, and slightly banging the outside door, though in more of a 'whoops didn't realize it was that easy to open while holding a gym bag and a car seat', rather than in a show of anger. Of course Scream-y McGee shut up and passed out as soon as the car was on and I had backed out of the parking lot, and then I started to feel guilty, not about the situation as a whole, but about little things. I wanted to apologize to the construction worker who had so politely opened a door and was snubbed; I wanted to apologize to the door.  Frustration does not become me. So I went home and smoked three cigs in a row, and wrote this to get it out of my head, and now here I am. Not sure if I want to show myself in that gym for a while, but seeing as how I also don't want a stupid charge that somehow doesn't exist on one end on my end as well, I guess I'll have to go back. sheesh.

Homebound Mothers, part 2

So went to the gym yesterday. Had a plan in mind, went on the treadmill for 15 minutes of brisk walking, with a bit of jogging thrown in when I felt the walking was too slow. Then I did what's called a circuit route, which is 9 cleverly masked torture machines lined up, which you follow by number, each tearing apart a different set of muscles.

I followed a 70 year old she-hulk on this route, each time shamefacedly lowering the weights by half on whatever device she had finished with. I was amassing sweat in large quantities at each station, not to mention my lovely sickness had me hacking up a storm, so that I had a large clearance from the other women in the gym, so they would not catch my plague.

By the time I was done the circuit, I had caught a second wind, so I decided to finish it up with 15 minutes on the elliptical thingy. there was a nicely toned youngster next to me going what seemed a decent pace, and you know that thing that makes us fall into a pattern, like when there's four of you eating at a table, and somehow you all end up chewing at the same time to some silent beat? yeah, that thing. well, somehow I ended up keeping pace with her.

For about 2 minutes.

Then I almost had an asthma attack.

After my self torture, I went back and had a nice hot shower au gratis in the changing room.While in there, i decided that this is how I will make my self keep going to the gym, I will cut myself off from taking showers or baths at home, and only take them at the gym, so that I have to go, just so I don't get overly stinky. Plus I'll be saving like 3 dollars on my water bill. bonus!

Then I got home, and proud off my self for actually taking advantage of this, I decided to keep up my little healthy trend, and had some yogurt and berries, and a roast beef sandwich on rye. yay me!

Today, I cannot move. seriously. I can't even move my fingers, so I'm dictating this to my 6 yr old.
No, not really, but that's a good idea, and I wish I had thought of it sooner. ouch. Right now, even my baby's crawling faster than me, and he doesn't even crawl yet!

side note: really only pay attention to the first 40 seconds of this video. I'm not educated on my new video edit  program, so after 40 seconds, it just turns into whiny baby, and bad language.

Attention all you doomsdayers!!!!

Listen up!

There's new evidence saying that the Constant they used for Calculating and mapping out the Mayan Calendar is probably Wrong. See? Take that, Crazy buschwackers who refuse to let their children have friends because "The world's gonna end in 2 years anyways" (as seen in Wife Swap) Those who are fans of Science, know that the current theory isn't necessarily right, it just hasn't been disproved yet.

Love Hurts, but making a Baby is killer?

kkay I'm confused, and probably gonna get a bit offending, but I have a question. how is trying to have a baby a battle? do they have to put their armour and helmuts on before they have sex? is it more of a wrestling match? just don't tell me they tag team. No wonder they're not having babies. It's kinda hard to get aroused when someone's trying to toss you across the room as you try to dislocate their shoulder in the process.....

And then I got high.... or did I?

Okay, so I don't do drugs myself, I'll admit I've tried some in the past (who hasn't?), and I know people who still do. And by drugs I mean Pot. Marijuana.
None of that commercially made I-died-in-a-bathtub-fire-trying-to-make-this-chemical-cocktail-for-you, no. The homegrown stuff. Stuff that should be legal so the Govt can tax the shit out of it. This is Canada People! Do you know how many people actually smoke or eat this stuff? You'd be surprised at the real numbers. Do you realize how fucking beautiful our Country could look and do you know how easily our economy could bounce back? All because the Govt decided to legalize and sin-tax Pot.
But enough about me and lobbying to legalize things, I just got this video today, and it made me so glad I live in Canada, yet really sad about the world I'm putting my children in. Hopefully when they're older the people who put this Zero-Tolerance policy into place will be gone and the next generation can put a more personal policy in place.  When did simply talking to a kid to see what's going on in their lives crap out against finger-pointing and accusations?





Again, I say wow.  I really have nothing to say.

This is why people don't see movies with me...

The following conversation took place between 2 pm and 3pm on a Saturday, before the Nickelodeon started their 'Avatar: the Last Airbender' marathon:

M. Night Shyamalan: Okay, we need to make a movie that will restore my reputation! something down and gritty! something that brings the love of movies back into peoples hearts.

Writer: We could do something on the oil spill, and how devastating that's going to be on our planet and generations to come, you know,  how it's going to take at least 50 years to clean the oil up

M. Night: No that'll take to long, I don't have fifty years to make  a movie.

Writer: Okay, how a bout a biopic?

M. Night: On one of the artist world's greatest masters?

Writer: Yes, but I don't know if Cat Stevens is available...

M. Night: No, no, I'm thinking more along the lines of a rock legend. I got it. Aerosmith!

Writer: Hasn't one already been done on them?

M. Night: But we can have a twist by integrating all their songs into the movie, we'll have them acting out their songs too, so it'll be like their lives really did revolve around those lyrics!

Writer: But that's not a biopic, that's more along the lines of what they did with all those Beatles songs, you know, how they made it into a musical? what was it called... across the planets or something

M. Night: And we can even use a song title as the title of our movie, you know, a little director's humour

Writer: Not really sir..

M. Night : Devil in an elevator!

Writer: Ummm, that's Love in an Elevator, sir...

M. Night: We should make the movie based on that song, you know, 'I kinda hope we get stuck, and no one comes out alive"

Writer: I don't think that one line is what the song is all about...

M. Night: Oooohh, and we could get Steven Tyler to play the devil, he's got such a sixth sense for artistry, I bet he'd be really good, and then the movie can be based on the song, but people won't know it unless they look for the signs. 'I'll show you how to axe the new mail boy then I'll hack you up  inside'

Writer: Umm it's actually..... oh never mind...

M. Night: oh this is going to be soo exciting! and then those stupid journalists won't be laughing anymore, no, just because I wanted to recreate my favorite TV show, and they laughed at me, those mean little-

Writer: I just called Steven Tyler, he says he doesn't want to be in your crappy movie, and if you use that title, he'll sue you.

M. Night: Oh. That's unfortunate. Oh well, we'll just call it Devil, with one of those cool symbols for the V right? And we can still keep the story the same, just replace Steven Tyler some nobody, it'll be a happening, like I created a Star! Like remember how I made Paul Giamatti a star?

Writer: *sigh* He was a better actor before he knew you... I quit.

Let's giver a round of 'applause'!

Wow.
Ever have one of those moments where you write a word down and it just doesn't seem like you spelled it right?
And then you go and look it up and it turns out you didn't, but the real word seems even more wrong than the way you spelled it? My whole day has been Me psyching myself out with stupid words that I could have just avoided by using a simpler word instead. Case in point:

Applause.
Doesn't that look wrong?
I tried auplause, aplaws, aplause, auplase, applauze.
but the real thing looks even more weird. And thanks Spell-Check, I know the others are wrong. You are king Spell-Check. A fucking genius. Lets all clap for Spell Check.

Other words that have been kicking my ass recently:
weird, genius, seriously,  and psyching.
I've been psyching myself out on psyching. Fantabulous.

ps. fuck you Spell-Check. Fantabulous is so a word.

My 6 year old doesn't understand me. also I think I might need some more Coffee

So My 6 year old walked into his baby brothers room this morning while I was changing a diaper and cooing at my littlest,(because it's only if I coo that he doesn't pee on me) to talk to me.
Kiddo: Do you wanna know where I got these cool scars? (shows scars)
Me (in baby voice, while keeping an eye on littlest's wiener to make sure he's not just waiting until I drop my guard): yessss, where did you get those scars? those 3? yeah 3 scars? whaaaat happened?
Kiddo: Well I was playing with Freddie (his pet rat, yep, R.A.T.) and he scratched me.
Me(still in baby voice, still keeping note of the wiener): Why did he scratch you? Did you forget to feed him? and then he was like,'I'm gonna gitcha boy' and then he put on his little rat-boxing gloves and was like pow-whacka-whacka Pow! Only his gloves had little claws on the end of them so he could still scratch you and then you'd be all 'why Freddie, why' and he'd be all 'Cuz you never pay attention to me anymore' and you'd be all ' well I feed you every day and that takes like an hour and a half cuz you have to store every single damn piece of granola in a different part of my bedroom, and then the same thing with the carrots, and then you get to the yogurt last and then it's warm and then you don't eat most of it, so the next time I come into my room I step on half-eaten yogurt and then I have to change my socks and frankly, after all that is done I NEED a little time a way from you so stop gettin all up in my biznez RAT.' and then Freddie's like, ' You don't understand me! I need to burrow things away, because I grew up in the great recession of 2009 and there wasn't much food to go around, so you made the most of what you had, and I just can't go back to that, not ever!' and then you're all,' it's okay freddie, I can get you help, they have this show called Hoarders:buried alive on TLC, and I'll send them an e-mail and see if I can't get a professional to come in and help so I don't have to evict you from my room' and then you call the TLC people and they're like, 'it's gotten so bad you have rats in your room? Whoa dude.' and you're like 'no, it's for my rat. my pet rat.' and they're like,' uhhh.... we don't do rodents, just people' and you're like,' you know I think thats pretty discriminatory of you, I'd like to speak to your boss. what's your name again?' and then they hang up on you.
Kiddo: ..... he just scratched me. that's all. you're weird.