Tuesday, August 17, 2010

My 6 year old doesn't understand me. also I think I might need some more Coffee

So My 6 year old walked into his baby brothers room this morning while I was changing a diaper and cooing at my littlest,(because it's only if I coo that he doesn't pee on me) to talk to me.
Kiddo: Do you wanna know where I got these cool scars? (shows scars)
Me (in baby voice, while keeping an eye on littlest's wiener to make sure he's not just waiting until I drop my guard): yessss, where did you get those scars? those 3? yeah 3 scars? whaaaat happened?
Kiddo: Well I was playing with Freddie (his pet rat, yep, R.A.T.) and he scratched me.
Me(still in baby voice, still keeping note of the wiener): Why did he scratch you? Did you forget to feed him? and then he was like,'I'm gonna gitcha boy' and then he put on his little rat-boxing gloves and was like pow-whacka-whacka Pow! Only his gloves had little claws on the end of them so he could still scratch you and then you'd be all 'why Freddie, why' and he'd be all 'Cuz you never pay attention to me anymore' and you'd be all ' well I feed you every day and that takes like an hour and a half cuz you have to store every single damn piece of granola in a different part of my bedroom, and then the same thing with the carrots, and then you get to the yogurt last and then it's warm and then you don't eat most of it, so the next time I come into my room I step on half-eaten yogurt and then I have to change my socks and frankly, after all that is done I NEED a little time a way from you so stop gettin all up in my biznez RAT.' and then Freddie's like, ' You don't understand me! I need to burrow things away, because I grew up in the great recession of 2009 and there wasn't much food to go around, so you made the most of what you had, and I just can't go back to that, not ever!' and then you're all,' it's okay freddie, I can get you help, they have this show called Hoarders:buried alive on TLC, and I'll send them an e-mail and see if I can't get a professional to come in and help so I don't have to evict you from my room' and then you call the TLC people and they're like, 'it's gotten so bad you have rats in your room? Whoa dude.' and you're like 'no, it's for my rat. my pet rat.' and they're like,' uhhh.... we don't do rodents, just people' and you're like,' you know I think thats pretty discriminatory of you, I'd like to speak to your boss. what's your name again?' and then they hang up on you.
Kiddo: ..... he just scratched me. that's all. you're weird.

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