Thursday, November 18, 2010

Gym'n it!

So On Monday, I went to the gym. I know, A little late to be talking about it, but whatever. I went to the women's section, cuz on Mondays the regular section is Filled with big Muscular Boys, and girls with tiny waists, and the ability to run marathons, and frankly it's like being an In-valid on Gattaca, and so I go to the women's section with all the other old biddies, which is actually more depressing, because then I follow around 70 year old grandmas who could ALL kick my ass.
Anyways, I went on my aunt's favorite machine, the Road that goes Nowhere, or the Deathmill to Hell. I went on for a staggering 30 minutes, on a rising incline throughout, slowly turning a lovely shade of Pomegranate. Twice the employee who watches over the women's section to make sure none of us old biddies keel over, came by to ask how I was doing. If I was anywhere near capable of speech at the time, I would have told her that turning funny colours is sort of a family past-time when it comes to exercising, My aunt turning a pretty Poinsettia, my day almost a rusty beet. But I was trying to concentrate on panting evenly, so I just nodded and smiled while looking ahead, half-afraid that if I turned to look at her, my body would follow my head, as I was no longer able to move my body parts separately, and that could be Catastrophic to me. I'm clumsy enough as it is.

My deathmill faced a window at least, so I could imagine I was running on real ground, impervious to the biting cold, rain, and uber-slippery sidewalk. Of course, since I was staring at the crappy day instead of the mirrors on my backside, I didn't notice the little booger that was peeking out at every exhale like a ghostly jack-in-the-box waayyy too late for halloween. Thank goodness when the trainer came around the third time to see how my self-inflicted Cardiac Arrest was coming along, she got distracted by my peek-a-boo booger, and instead of telling my to get off before I fall off, she made nervous eyes at my nose, and made wiping motions. My intuitive self thought she looked about to sneeze, so I politely averted my eyes until she passed me a kleenex. I decided that it was about time to do something else, so I wandered around until I noticed the backwards ab machine that looks like this:

See the ones where his bum is in the air? That's what I decided to do. One set of 10. by the fifth time up I had to fart something fierce, and I thought I could get away with it if I let it out slowly the next time up. But while I was upside down formulating my plan of action, I was oblivious to the fact that the trainer had let two contractor guys in to look at a ceiling crack directly above my bum.

Needless to say the workout was over pretty much instantly. Though, all in all, it was one of my better workouts....

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